Friday, December 23, 2005

Dream QB Matchup in Tampa!

Ah, yes. The Illusion v. Chrissy Simms. How I've longed for this moment! The Bucs host the Falcons Saturday in what could determine the last NFC wildcard spot, and who better to take center stage than these two.

I suppose anything is better than the jewels the NFL has for us on Christmas Sunday, when the Bears visit Green Bay and the Ravens host Minnesota. There's really nothing better after opening a bunch of thoughtless presents than watching Brett Favre and my old high school team dressed up as Packers take on the uninspiring Kyle Orton / Rex Grossman / Jonathan Quinn / Chris Chandler / Erik Kramer / Jim Harbaugh / Craig Krenzel / Cade McNown / Jim Miller led Bears. The only thing that might spice this one up is George Wendt, Chris Farley (if only) and Mike Myers taking over the broadcast booth.

How can you not like Mike Tice? The Jesse Ventura twin has somehow avoided being fired each of the past three seasons, then discovers why guys like Brad Johnson and not The Illusion can win games in the NFL, then makes a public statement in regards to scalping tickets. He was the guy scalping Super Bowl tickets right? Just checking. How many pencils do you think go behind his ear each season?

Back to the game of the week, however, and the purpose of this board. Chrissy "Sunshine" Simms has actually looked decent at times, even though he still does his typical crumble at the first sign of danger and is lucky to hold on to the ball. The guy who showed up for his first day on the Texas campus in a limosuine has now managed to win four NFL games as a starter...this compared to the zero OU/Texas games he won.

Rumor has it The Illusion spent all week travelling to the Atlanta area malls visiting with as many Santas as he could find. One Santa, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said The Illusion asked for the ability to read defenses. Apparently the Santa replied, "The Wizard of Oz is down by the Macy's."

He should have asked for any type of evidence that could validate his selection to the Pro Bowl, otherwise this blogger is just going to assume that hanging chads and Jeb Bush has something to do with it.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The NFC Sucks!


And it's pretty much the only reason we can explain as to why The Illusion somehow earned a selection on the squad. I'd say more; but, my head exploded.

For more insightful commentary on the selection, go here.

After reading the spot, we completely agree. The NFC East quarterbacks, minus the injured dude from Philly, all have strong cases as to why they should have made the team over The Illusion.

The whole process illustrates why the AFC has been such a dominant conference this season. The quarterback match-ups when the two leagues clash are not even close. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Carson Palmer (not to mention the top-flight quarterbacks who didn't make the squad) against Matt Hasselbeck and, well, nobody else, really. The voters were pretty much forced to pick among the lesser of 15 evils for the final two spots in the NFC.

In short, don't expect the NFC to be favored in this all-star clash and don't be surprised when the NFC's only top-flight quarterback, Hasselbeck, leads Seattle to the Super Bowl.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My Christmas Wish List

Since, you know, it's the holiday season, I figured I would write a quick wish list of every quarterback in the NFL I would want to be starting for Atlanta if I were a fan of the Falcons (which I'm not, thank goodness). Anywhere, here it goes:

Peyton Manning
Carson Palmer
Ben Roethlisberger
Matt Hasselbeck
Marc Bulger
Tom Brady
Drew Brees
That dude with the pornstache
Byron Leftwich
Trent Green
Mark Brunell
Jake Delhomme
Drew Bledsoe
Kurt Warner
Steve McNair
Donovan McNabb
Brad Johnson
Eli Manning
Daunte Culpepper
Oh, and that Matt Schaub guy.

For those of you scoring at home, The Illusion now
ranks 27th in passer rating. Which is good if it were a ranking of 100 quarterbacks and really bad if it was a ranking of 30 quarterbacks, which it is. In case you were wondering, The Illusion falls behind such future NFL hall of famers as Chris Simms, Kerry Collins, Trent Dilfer, David Carr, Brooks Bollinger and Kyle Boller. Not exactly a group of names you want to fall behind.

But, hey, although The Illusion currently ranks 27th in the league in passer rating, at least he's ahead of Aaron Brooks (30th). He's No. 1 in the family! Congratulations, Mr. Illusion!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

That Throw Was a BAAAAAD Choice!

The Illusion, needles to say, did not have one of his best games on Sunday as Rex Grossman replaced The Neck-Beard to lead the Chicago Bears to a key 16-3 victory over the Atlanta Falcons. The loss all but eliminates Atlanta from playoff contention; and, once again, I am sure the media will blame the coach, the offense, the defense, anyone or anything but The Illusion.

In a quick search of articles regarding the deflating loss, most columnists seem to point to the fact Atlanta just is not a very good team (although the natives seem to be going against the media and are getting restless with The Illusion). While this might be true, I have a feeling Atlanta would be a lot better with guys who can complete a 10-yard out route. You know, guys like Trent Green, Carson Palmer, Donovan McNabb, Matt Schaub and Brett Favre. Ok, maybe not Favre, he sucks too.

At any rate, I don't think the Channel 4 news team would let The Illusion continue with these types of offensive shenanigans without turning up the heat. I picture Mr. Burgandy and the gang giving The Illusion the verbal thrashing to the masses he deserves.

I mean, couldn't you just picture a highlight of The Illusion during the game, tossing the ball deep, only to have it fall 10-yards short and into the hands of the Bears secondary. At which point, Ron shouts out, "Mr. Mexico, that throw was a BAAAAD choice!"

This would just repeat itself: the throws where he missed wide open receivers by five yards, the throw to himself and the ensuing 14-yard loss, the second pick where he left the receiver out to dry and the two or three throws where the Bears dropped sure interceptions. All the while, Mr. Burgandy just sits back and repeats, "Mr. Mexico, that throw was a BAAAAD choice!"

Of course, the highlights would end with the famed; and, according to Joe Theisman, more developed quarterback Rex Grossman leading the Bears down the field for the victory as Burgandy ends the highlights screaming, "great beard of Zeus!"

As one final dig, Mr. Burgandy would turn to the Ron Mexico Name Generator and sign off in this fashion: "For the Channel 4 news team, I'm Nikko Angola, you stay classy, San Diego." And if it so happens Veronica Corningstone changes the last sentence to something along the lines of "Go f*ck yourself, Mr. Mexico." Even better.

Anyway, that's how I wish the coverage of Mr. Mexico's last game went down. It didn't; but, oh well. I just hope The Illusion gets out of his glass case of emotion before hitting the field again this weekend.

(FYI, Ron Mexico was the name The Illusion used when he checked into hotels while supposedly giving that one girl herpes. But, you probably already knew that.)

Monday, December 19, 2005

Atlanta Vick-timized!


Wow. Awesome. Words cannot describe. Last night's performance pretty much speaks for itself, doesn't it? Joe Theisman, unbelieveably, summed it up best by saying at some point during the fourth quarter, "when your quarterback has as many receptions as the wide receivers, that is not a good thing!" We could not agree more. He also said Rex Grossman was "further along in his development as a quarterback than The Illusion is." Which might of been funnier, considering Grossman has played all of five or six games in his career and The Illusion is in his fifth stinking year.

At any rate, you better believe we will have more on this game later. But for now, here are the horrific; or, absolutely hilarious (depending on your view) details.

One more thing, Kyle Orton, 2-of-10, 12 yards, and a higher quarterback rating than The Illusion. Maybe The Illusion should grow a neck-beard?

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Illusion Preview:
Cold and Wind and Grass, Oh My!

This week The Illusion and the Atlanta Falcons (aka the guys who carry their out-of-position quarterback to 9-11 wins a season) travel to the Windy City to take on the Chicago Bears in an important NFC clash with playoff implications. Needless to say, we are not all that confident about the prospect of The Illusion having much success in an environment where the conditions are pretty much the polar opposite of the warm confines of the Georgia Dome.

All indications point to temperatures so cold The Illusion's snot flying out of his nose will freeze before it hits the ground once a roid-ragin', Hilton-lovin' Brian Urlacher lights him up like a Christmas tree.
After the Bears poor performance against the Steelers (which was pretty predictable, since it was NFC vs. AFC; or, junior varsity vs. varsity as we call it around here) it's pretty obvious Chicago will be ready for this game. Not to mention the fact The Illusion had a pretty good week last week. And as we all know, the chances of The Illusion putting back-to-back solid performances are about as good as the chances of a team that signs a .240 hitting first baseman, a career eight-hole hitter and a pitcher who makes Lima Time look like he's the next Roger Clemens winning the 2006 World Series. In other words, we are picking Da Bears.

As for The Illusion himself, well, we see him having a better game than he did against Carolina and a worse game than the one at New Orleans. In other words, no touchdowns, one pick, 150 yards and a quarterback rating (probably around 57.0) only a mother would be proud of. Or, to put it in even simpler terms, a game reminiscent of a 1992 Bubby Brister (that's not a good thing, folks). Although, considering The Illusion's last performance against the Bears, a 1992 Bubby Brister performance this time around would be almost Joe Montana-esque (I personally like the possession where, trailing by one and four minutes remaining, The Illusion gets sacked twice and throws an incompletion).

The Vick Illusion's final score prediction: Chicago 17, Fightin' Illusions 6.

And one more note for The Illusion himself: Fear the neck-beard! He might just have a better game than you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

AP Dude Falls Victim to the Hype

ATLANTA (AP) -- The Illusion (we changed the name, obviously) gave the Falcons the shot in the arm they needed. Then Atlanta's immediate future took a shot to the ribs.

Vick ran for two touchdowns and passed for another score Monday night to lead the Falcons over the New Orleans Saints 36-17. But a late hit knocked Vick to the turf and out of the game in the fourth quarter.

The NFL's most electric runner writhed in pain and seemed to be favoring his back.

AV: I had to highlight that phrase and just ask if LaDainian Tomlinson, Shaun Alexander and Edgerrin James decided to retire after their respective games Sunday and I missed it? Whoever that (AP) cat is who wrote that is a moron.

And here's one: What to Trent Dilfer, Kerry Collins, Chris Simms, David Carr and Kurt Warner all have in common? That's right! All have higher QB Ratings than The Illusion. CHRISSY SIMMS, are you kidding me?! He's still seeing stars from that Superman move Roy Williams put on him in the OU/Texas game like 5 years ago!

The Illusion Goes for Fantasy Glory!


As most out there know, it is fantasy football playoff time; and, unlike what is sure to happen in the real league, The Vick Illusion stumbled across a league where The Illusion himself is leading the playoff charge. Of course, it kind of looks like he is just along for the ride with LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Fitzgerald, Shayne Grahm and the Denver defense leading the way. I guess this league just mirrors real life as well. Darn, I thought we were onto something here.

Maybe The Illusion can ride the backs of his teammates to championship glory, even if it is just a fantasy football league. After all, it wouldn't be the first time a quarterback has done it!

Monday, December 12, 2005

LIVE BLOGGIN' WITH THE ILLUSION!

Well, despite the fact I think there are about 231 other things I should be doing tonight, I have chosen to do a live blog of the monumental clash between the Atlanta Falcons and NOSABR Saints. It's the first day here at The Vick Illusion, so we have to do something to make this blog stand out.

Tonight's focus, obviously, will be the performance of The Illusion himself. Although The Illusion is likely to come away in this must-win game for the Falcons with a victory, he is sure to entertain by making several poor decisions that will allow his team to win by only three instead of 30.


Even though I will surely suffer from having to watch The Illusion masquerade as a quarterback for three hours, you have to truly feel sorry for Brian Finneran, Michael Jenkins, Jerome Pathon, Roddy White and Dwayne Blakely. Who are they, you ask? Well, they are the Falcons wide receivers; and, considering The Illusion is the one tossing them the ball, the poor souls will likely only have three receptions among them. In other words, they should be truly bored. Maybe Alge Crumpler will pitch them the ball during one play just to make them feel special.

Hope you enjoy. Updates throughout!

14:03 1Q:
On third and four, Vick valiantly runs backwards and heaves ball into the middle of the field where it falls within at least 10 yards of a Falcons receiver. Well, at least he didn't spike himself.

11:19 1Q: Joe Horn screws up Aaron Brooks' best pass of the year, fumbles after gaining 20 yards. Vick family just happy to see family member complete a forward pass in first five minutes.

10:23 1Q:
The Illusion valiantly leads Falcons on three-play, 11-yard scoring drive, which included a pass to Dunn that took all the skill of flushing a toilet. Atlanta 7, New Orleans 0.

9:29 1Q: Falcons give NOSABR Saints free first down with illegal hands to the face penalty on third down, delaying the inevitable Illusion interception for at least a few more minutes.

4:58 1Q: Yet another first down via the penalty for NOSABR. Apparently, the Atlanta defense realizes the importance of keeping The Illusion on the bench.

3:05 1Q: Saints complete 14-play drive with a field goal, making a game of it and forcing The Illusion to play mistake-free football for at least one more possession. Atlanta 7, New Orleans 3.

2:45 1Q: The Illusion runs for 10 yards. Hey, I will admit this, the guy is fast. On another note, for a brief moment there, it looked as if The Illusion had a freak accident on the sideline that could have caused a serious injury. Luckily, he managed to escape harm as this blog would not be entertaining if The Illusion spent the rest of the year warming the pine.

2:20 1Q: WHEEEEEEE!!!!! The Illusion fires a five-yard pass at least 10 feet over Dunn's head. Heck, even this tall sob couldn't have caught that one!

0:48 1Q: The Illusion realizes running into his own lineman is not the best option on third and eight. Falcons forced to punt.

END OF THE FIRST QUARTER: Through one quarter of play, The Illusion is 2-of-6 for 32 yards. A line The Experiment would truly be proud of. Unfortunately, the fearsome fivesome that are the Falcons wide receivers have zero catches on the night. We at The Vick Illusion sure hope they do not have any self-esteem issues. Atlanta 7, New Orleans 3.

13:40 2Q: The Illusion completes a pass to our friend the wide receiver! Al Michaels then shows self-restraint by not yelling "Do you believe in miracles!" for the second time in his storied career. Well, I believe I just saw one.

13:00 2Q: The inevitable happens. The Illusion throws a pick; but, hey, at least the guy made the tackle. NOSABR Saints take advantage and punch it in from four yards out as they take the lead. Maybe The Illusion felt bad for the Saints and their -18 turnover ratio. If that's the case, then he is just one swell guy. After all, it is the season of giving. NOSABR 10, Atlanta 7.

11:45 2Q: The Illusion is in the spirit of giving again as he launches a ball 10 feet over the receivers head. To bad for NOSABR fans, Dwight Smith shows why he's a safety by dropping a sure interception.

6:06 2Q: The Illusion, no longer in the holiday spirit, leads Atlanta on a touchdown drive where he even makes a couple of decent passes. Our friends the receivers are all smiles as they make a couple of nice catches. Replay justifies The Illusion's existence, overturning a call and giving the subject of this blog a rushing touchdown. Atlanta 14, NOSABR 10.

5:30 2Q:
Sam Ryan gives a sideline report. I have no idea what the hell she was talking about; but, I do know that her husband wears size six shoes. That's a story for a different time.

4:20 2Q: Demorrio Williams decides to hit Brooks late, taking away a Falcons defensive touchdown. The Illusion sits on the sideline in disgust as he realizes the four-point lead means he has to do his best to not screw up for at least another possession.

2:20 2Q: On third and long, Brooks scrambles as Michaels says "Brooks doing his best Vick impression," which leaves us confused, since, you know, he didn't turn the ball over or anything.

2:00 2Q: Ladies and gentleman, a two-minute offense led by The Illusion! Sit back and enjoy!

1:40 2Q: The Illusion throws into triple coverage; but, gets away with it since it is the Saints after all. The Illusion is putting together a pretty good quarter, minus the interception. Atlanta 21, NOSABR 10.

HALFTIME: No quit in NOSABR as it scores a touchdown right before the half. Pretty entertaining first half; and, we admit, a pretty good half for The Illusion as well. 8-of-15 for 166 yards with a touchdown and an interception. Then again, his interception is allowing the Saints to stay in the game at this point. However, I will agree to drop The Experiment comparisons. Atlanta 21, NOSABR 17.

Since we have 12 minutes to kill at The Vick Illusion, we feel as a public service we need to remind the kids to pay attention in sex education class. The Illusion didn't, and it only came back to haunt him. Come on now, you didn't think we were going to get through the first day of this blog without a reference to that incident, did you?

12:06 3Q: The Illusion misses a wide-open Crumpler on third and short and rips his chin strap off in disgust. Kind of like his passes at the receivers, however, The Illusion whiffs on his first attempt to connect with the chin strap.

8:00 3Q: Doing his best to spite the opening day of this blog, The Illusion completes a nice pass to Crumpler and then runs in for a touchdown. We belive; and, we hope, this will lead to some talking head declaring The Illusion the greatest thing since sliced bread tomorrow. But, we are pretty sure it's just because he's going against the Saints. If The Illusion keeps this up, he just might become the next Jon Kitna. Atlanta 28, NOSABR 17.

7:00 3Q: Apparently, the agents for the two stellar quarterbacks in tonight's battle wanted them to give a different sport a try this offseason.

END OF THE THIRD QUARTER: A pretty uneventful third quarter comes to an end. Although, the refs did get a lot of face time over the last 15 minutes. This has to be one of the longest games in MNF history. I'm supposed to be at a poker game right now so this thing needs to hurry up. On the bright side, The Illusion did wing a couple of passes about 15 yards too far on the last drive, just for old times sake. Oh, and the rare safety puts this one away. Atlanta 30, NOSABR 17.

Well, considering the fine folks at ABC just put up a stat saying New Orleans is something like 0-127 on the road when trailing in a game by 10 or more points heading into the fourth quarter, I've decided to cut this live blog short. After all, I do have that poker game I need to go to; and, after three hours, my ass is getting sore. So, just in case you are mad that the live blog has ended, this picture should cheer you up.

(Editor's note: The Illusion left the game after getting hit in the ribs early in the fourth. Although we are glad it appears as if this will not keep The Illusion out of any games this season and everything is going to be fine, we are glad we did not miss any Illusion fourth-quarter action. Thank you, NOSABR cheap-shot artist.)


The Illusion Realizes Throwing Should be Left to the Professionals


The Illusion realized the team is probably better when he is not throwing the ball; or, at least, he somewhat came to that conclusion in NFL.com's five questions. When asked about what teams have done to stop him, The Illusion states "maybe it's because the run game is not clicking the way that we want it too and it puts us in a position where we are forced to throw when we don't want to throw."

Of course, then The Illusion makes a ridiculous claim he can make plays in the passing game, despite plenty of evidence to the contrary. At any rate, I stopped reading after that ridiculous statement; but, I think he also made an outrageous claim he invented the question mark.

Despite the fact it's clear Atlanta is only going to go as far as its running game takes them, maybe we should take pity on his inability to pass the ball downfield with any accuracy whatsoever. After all, he is related to Aaron Brooks. I guess sucking at quarterback just runs in the family.

The Vick Illusion: Now Gliding on the Information Superhighway!

Some of you may have already have figured this out; but, Michael Vick, he's not so good. For some reason, however, some in the mainstream media, and a vast majority of the viewing public, seem to think he's God's answer to the quarterback position. Sure, the record is nice; but, the last I checked, football was a team game. The solid Atlanta running game and defense probably have more to do with the victories than "The Illusion." Since this is the first post in what is sure to be a storied blog, I will keep this short and simple, the purpose of this blog is:

1. To expose Michael Vick as an illusionist, a master of fooling people into believing he actually has any idea what the hell he is doing out there.

2. To expose those members of the media who buy into the hype because Vick's seven-yard run on third and six was "a thing of beauty," causing them to forget Vick probably threw an interception five plays later.

3. To pay heed to the courageous souls who are the Atlanta Falcons wide receivers. After all, they are the ones who have to put up with "The Illusion's" game day shenanigans. Poor souls run all those routes only to see the ball whizzing 15-feet over their heads at 70-mph. They deserve some sort of hazard pay.

4. To give general thoughts about the sports world. Likely posts will include thoughts on the Kansas City Chiefs, the downfall of Kansas basketball; and, unfortunately, these clowns. I mean, if I focused all of my attention on "The Illusion," I think my head would explode.

Before we let "The Illusion's" play speak for itself tonight when the Falcons take on the hapless New Orleans San Antonio Baton Rouge Saints, a few statistics I feel the need to point out about "The Illusion" in order to set the table before I head further into this venture.

Not only has "The Illusion's" quarterback rating sucked this year; but, as you can see, he sucked
last year as well.

To be fair though, at least "The Illusion" is an improvement over Doug Johnson. Man, that guy really sucked.

Oh, and in case you have not figured out, we will not be referring to this atrocity of a quarterback by name. Until the Falcons decide to move him to his proper position of wide receiver, he shall be forever referred to as "The Illusion." (The quotation mark thing is already starting to annoy me, so let's just go with The Illusion instead). Much better.