Friday, December 23, 2005

Dream QB Matchup in Tampa!

Ah, yes. The Illusion v. Chrissy Simms. How I've longed for this moment! The Bucs host the Falcons Saturday in what could determine the last NFC wildcard spot, and who better to take center stage than these two.

I suppose anything is better than the jewels the NFL has for us on Christmas Sunday, when the Bears visit Green Bay and the Ravens host Minnesota. There's really nothing better after opening a bunch of thoughtless presents than watching Brett Favre and my old high school team dressed up as Packers take on the uninspiring Kyle Orton / Rex Grossman / Jonathan Quinn / Chris Chandler / Erik Kramer / Jim Harbaugh / Craig Krenzel / Cade McNown / Jim Miller led Bears. The only thing that might spice this one up is George Wendt, Chris Farley (if only) and Mike Myers taking over the broadcast booth.

How can you not like Mike Tice? The Jesse Ventura twin has somehow avoided being fired each of the past three seasons, then discovers why guys like Brad Johnson and not The Illusion can win games in the NFL, then makes a public statement in regards to scalping tickets. He was the guy scalping Super Bowl tickets right? Just checking. How many pencils do you think go behind his ear each season?

Back to the game of the week, however, and the purpose of this board. Chrissy "Sunshine" Simms has actually looked decent at times, even though he still does his typical crumble at the first sign of danger and is lucky to hold on to the ball. The guy who showed up for his first day on the Texas campus in a limosuine has now managed to win four NFL games as a starter...this compared to the zero OU/Texas games he won.

Rumor has it The Illusion spent all week travelling to the Atlanta area malls visiting with as many Santas as he could find. One Santa, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said The Illusion asked for the ability to read defenses. Apparently the Santa replied, "The Wizard of Oz is down by the Macy's."

He should have asked for any type of evidence that could validate his selection to the Pro Bowl, otherwise this blogger is just going to assume that hanging chads and Jeb Bush has something to do with it.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The NFC Sucks!

And it's pretty much the only reason we can explain as to why The Illusion somehow earned a selection on the squad. I'd say more; but, my head exploded.

For more insightful commentary on the selection, go here.

After reading the spot, we completely agree. The NFC East quarterbacks, minus the injured dude from Philly, all have strong cases as to why they should have made the team over The Illusion.

The whole process illustrates why the AFC has been such a dominant conference this season. The quarterback match-ups when the two leagues clash are not even close. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Carson Palmer (not to mention the top-flight quarterbacks who didn't make the squad) against Matt Hasselbeck and, well, nobody else, really. The voters were pretty much forced to pick among the lesser of 15 evils for the final two spots in the NFC.

In short, don't expect the NFC to be favored in this all-star clash and don't be surprised when the NFC's only top-flight quarterback, Hasselbeck, leads Seattle to the Super Bowl.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My Christmas Wish List

Since, you know, it's the holiday season, I figured I would write a quick wish list of every quarterback in the NFL I would want to be starting for Atlanta if I were a fan of the Falcons (which I'm not, thank goodness). Anywhere, here it goes:

Peyton Manning
Carson Palmer
Ben Roethlisberger
Matt Hasselbeck
Marc Bulger
Tom Brady
Drew Brees
That dude with the pornstache
Byron Leftwich
Trent Green
Mark Brunell
Jake Delhomme
Drew Bledsoe
Kurt Warner
Steve McNair
Donovan McNabb
Brad Johnson
Eli Manning
Daunte Culpepper
Oh, and that Matt Schaub guy.

For those of you scoring at home, The Illusion now
ranks 27th in passer rating. Which is good if it were a ranking of 100 quarterbacks and really bad if it was a ranking of 30 quarterbacks, which it is. In case you were wondering, The Illusion falls behind such future NFL hall of famers as Chris Simms, Kerry Collins, Trent Dilfer, David Carr, Brooks Bollinger and Kyle Boller. Not exactly a group of names you want to fall behind.

But, hey, although The Illusion currently ranks 27th in the league in passer rating, at least he's ahead of Aaron Brooks (30th). He's No. 1 in the family! Congratulations, Mr. Illusion!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

That Throw Was a BAAAAAD Choice!

The Illusion, needles to say, did not have one of his best games on Sunday as Rex Grossman replaced The Neck-Beard to lead the Chicago Bears to a key 16-3 victory over the Atlanta Falcons. The loss all but eliminates Atlanta from playoff contention; and, once again, I am sure the media will blame the coach, the offense, the defense, anyone or anything but The Illusion.

In a quick search of articles regarding the deflating loss, most columnists seem to point to the fact Atlanta just is not a very good team (although the natives seem to be going against the media and are getting restless with The Illusion). While this might be true, I have a feeling Atlanta would be a lot better with guys who can complete a 10-yard out route. You know, guys like Trent Green, Carson Palmer, Donovan McNabb, Matt Schaub and Brett Favre. Ok, maybe not Favre, he sucks too.

At any rate, I don't think the Channel 4 news team would let The Illusion continue with these types of offensive shenanigans without turning up the heat. I picture Mr. Burgandy and the gang giving The Illusion the verbal thrashing to the masses he deserves.

I mean, couldn't you just picture a highlight of The Illusion during the game, tossing the ball deep, only to have it fall 10-yards short and into the hands of the Bears secondary. At which point, Ron shouts out, "Mr. Mexico, that throw was a BAAAAD choice!"

This would just repeat itself: the throws where he missed wide open receivers by five yards, the throw to himself and the ensuing 14-yard loss, the second pick where he left the receiver out to dry and the two or three throws where the Bears dropped sure interceptions. All the while, Mr. Burgandy just sits back and repeats, "Mr. Mexico, that throw was a BAAAAD choice!"

Of course, the highlights would end with the famed; and, according to Joe Theisman, more developed quarterback Rex Grossman leading the Bears down the field for the victory as Burgandy ends the highlights screaming, "great beard of Zeus!"

As one final dig, Mr. Burgandy would turn to the Ron Mexico Name Generator and sign off in this fashion: "For the Channel 4 news team, I'm Nikko Angola, you stay classy, San Diego." And if it so happens Veronica Corningstone changes the last sentence to something along the lines of "Go f*ck yourself, Mr. Mexico." Even better.

Anyway, that's how I wish the coverage of Mr. Mexico's last game went down. It didn't; but, oh well. I just hope The Illusion gets out of his glass case of emotion before hitting the field again this weekend.

(FYI, Ron Mexico was the name The Illusion used when he checked into hotels while supposedly giving that one girl herpes. But, you probably already knew that.)

Monday, December 19, 2005

Atlanta Vick-timized!

Wow. Awesome. Words cannot describe. Last night's performance pretty much speaks for itself, doesn't it? Joe Theisman, unbelieveably, summed it up best by saying at some point during the fourth quarter, "when your quarterback has as many receptions as the wide receivers, that is not a good thing!" We could not agree more. He also said Rex Grossman was "further along in his development as a quarterback than The Illusion is." Which might of been funnier, considering Grossman has played all of five or six games in his career and The Illusion is in his fifth stinking year.

At any rate, you better believe we will have more on this game later. But for now, here are the horrific; or, absolutely hilarious (depending on your view) details.

One more thing, Kyle Orton, 2-of-10, 12 yards, and a higher quarterback rating than The Illusion. Maybe The Illusion should grow a neck-beard?

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Illusion Preview:
Cold and Wind and Grass, Oh My!

This week The Illusion and the Atlanta Falcons (aka the guys who carry their out-of-position quarterback to 9-11 wins a season) travel to the Windy City to take on the Chicago Bears in an important NFC clash with playoff implications. Needless to say, we are not all that confident about the prospect of The Illusion having much success in an environment where the conditions are pretty much the polar opposite of the warm confines of the Georgia Dome.

All indications point to temperatures so cold The Illusion's snot flying out of his nose will freeze before it hits the ground once a roid-ragin', Hilton-lovin' Brian Urlacher lights him up like a Christmas tree.
After the Bears poor performance against the Steelers (which was pretty predictable, since it was NFC vs. AFC; or, junior varsity vs. varsity as we call it around here) it's pretty obvious Chicago will be ready for this game. Not to mention the fact The Illusion had a pretty good week last week. And as we all know, the chances of The Illusion putting back-to-back solid performances are about as good as the chances of a team that signs a .240 hitting first baseman, a career eight-hole hitter and a pitcher who makes Lima Time look like he's the next Roger Clemens winning the 2006 World Series. In other words, we are picking Da Bears.

As for The Illusion himself, well, we see him having a better game than he did against Carolina and a worse game than the one at New Orleans. In other words, no touchdowns, one pick, 150 yards and a quarterback rating (probably around 57.0) only a mother would be proud of. Or, to put it in even simpler terms, a game reminiscent of a 1992 Bubby Brister (that's not a good thing, folks). Although, considering The Illusion's last performance against the Bears, a 1992 Bubby Brister performance this time around would be almost Joe Montana-esque (I personally like the possession where, trailing by one and four minutes remaining, The Illusion gets sacked twice and throws an incompletion).

The Vick Illusion's final score prediction: Chicago 17, Fightin' Illusions 6.

And one more note for The Illusion himself: Fear the neck-beard! He might just have a better game than you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

AP Dude Falls Victim to the Hype

ATLANTA (AP) -- The Illusion (we changed the name, obviously) gave the Falcons the shot in the arm they needed. Then Atlanta's immediate future took a shot to the ribs.

Vick ran for two touchdowns and passed for another score Monday night to lead the Falcons over the New Orleans Saints 36-17. But a late hit knocked Vick to the turf and out of the game in the fourth quarter.

The NFL's most electric runner writhed in pain and seemed to be favoring his back.

AV: I had to highlight that phrase and just ask if LaDainian Tomlinson, Shaun Alexander and Edgerrin James decided to retire after their respective games Sunday and I missed it? Whoever that (AP) cat is who wrote that is a moron.

And here's one: What to Trent Dilfer, Kerry Collins, Chris Simms, David Carr and Kurt Warner all have in common? That's right! All have higher QB Ratings than The Illusion. CHRISSY SIMMS, are you kidding me?! He's still seeing stars from that Superman move Roy Williams put on him in the OU/Texas game like 5 years ago!

The Illusion Goes for Fantasy Glory!

As most out there know, it is fantasy football playoff time; and, unlike what is sure to happen in the real league, The Vick Illusion stumbled across a league where The Illusion himself is leading the playoff charge. Of course, it kind of looks like he is just along for the ride with LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Fitzgerald, Shayne Grahm and the Denver defense leading the way. I guess this league just mirrors real life as well. Darn, I thought we were onto something here.

Maybe The Illusion can ride the backs of his teammates to championship glory, even if it is just a fantasy football league. After all, it wouldn't be the first time a quarterback has done it!